sábado, 2 de abril de 2011
So, I miss you all the time now. Nobody understands how much I miss you, and I miss how much we used to talk, and I miss all the ‘things’ we used to do. I try not to admit it to myself that I still feel this way. Nobody knows that I wake up thinking of you each day. I still think of you and I really do miss you. Some days I can go nearly one hour without thinking of the taste of your mouth. And sometimes I miss you the way someone drowning remembers the air.
I don’t think about much that isn’t you, but other than that what we are. It doesn’t feel like a cliché. It is something very completely new. They do not write books about the things that we are. I like that. I like you. I like the way that you curve and bend and dip and arch and rise and fall, like a poem. I like when my fingers are entangled in yours and my head is on your chest listening to your heartbeats, it gives me the sensation that I am safe and nothing bad can happen to me… Because if it does, you will be here. I wish I could stay in your arms cuddling and spooning forever.
I like the long drives with you and all the theories that we can come up with for the different colors of the lights. Those drives make me feel like it's worth living. I like when you say ‘I remember’ or ‘I can still smell you’. I like the muscles in your legs that sometimes twitch when you sleep. I like the internet, because in a way, it brings you closer to me.
I like the way you dress. I like the way you undress. Not sure about the way I undress you, though. I love the way you undress me. I like it when you lift my dress over my head, like in the movies, you know? I like having sex with you. I like making love to you. I like doing ‘things’ with you. I like the weight of you on the top of me and I like the sweat that pools at the bottom of your back. I like hearing you call my name. I like writing with my fingertips on your skin all the things I cannot say. I always get lines from poems and songs stuck in my head when you are around. I like when you speak Spanish.
I like your beard. I like your hair… Please don’t grow it longer when I am not around to feel it through my fingers. Be bald! I like who I am when I am with you. I like how you make me better. Baby steps… I am learning, I swear I am! I like how you look at me and though I wish I did not, I love you… but you and I will always be unfinished business…
Should this have been written in the past? I guess it should, since you’re not here anymore… But you know what? It’s hard for me to conjugate you in the past, when you are still so present in my life.